A joke for the day - no 18SX jokes please, else lock topic

One evening last week, my wife & I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed dept. store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not enough in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Murphy's Lesser Known Dictums...


Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Alan's colleague Mr. Chee kena lottery, wanted to buy a new car.
Mr. Chee decided to buy KIA.
Alan very kepo, next day when he go to work, he tell all his colleagues.
Alan's manager who sitting in office, saw Alan from outside whispering around, ear very ichy, so he shout from inside the office :"Alan, what happened??"
Alan said :" Mr. Chee kena lottery, wanted to buy new car, KIA!"
The sound is very soft, manager can't hear properly, so he decided to ask again.
Alan reply again :"Mr. Chee want to buy KIA!"
Manager still can't hear what Alan said, and he ask 1 more time.
Alan frusfrated and shout :"CHEE BUY KIA!!!!"

if u know little abt hokkian, u will u/stand wt tat

cibai kia? lolz

the nun....

A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.

So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the Bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink

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the Gay.....specially for baby cky


Highschool Guy 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!

Highschool Guy 2: Really? My son's made me proud too. He's become so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.

Highschool Guy 3: Even my son got rich. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yacht and jet.

The fourth Highschool Guy comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.

Highschool Guy 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.

Highschool Guy 1: What a shame.

Highschool Guy 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yacht, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends.

Men always have better friends....They will stand by you, no matter what....!!!
Here's an example:-

Friends of Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells
her husband the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's
apartment overnight.

So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and
none of them confirmed that she was with them.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he
tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his (guy) friend's
apartment over night.

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them
confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 claimed
that he is still with them!!

Bill Gates Faces God

Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell!

After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before.

I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr.Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr.Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.

"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going.

He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair.

"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work .
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,




sees the illegal lovers
and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.
Then the woman's husband
unexpectedly comes home.

She hides her lover in the cupboard,
not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: 'Dark in here.'
The Man says: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a soccer ball, do you want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$1,000.'

A few weeks later it happened again ,
and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have soccer boots.'
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: 'How much?'
The Boy says :'$5,000.'
The Man says: 'Fine, I will buy them.'
A few days later, the Father says to the boy:
'Grab your ball and boots,
let's go outside and have a game.'
The Boy says: 'I can't, I sold them for $ 6,000.'
The Father says: 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that... $ 6,000 is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church
and make you confess your 'SINS.'

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The Boy says: 'Dark in here.'

The Priest says: 'Don't start that again!'
THIS IS MY CHURCH, NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE !

wth... it is shame as a priest..